The Gavel’s Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.
Every year, on the same date, a mass migration can be witnessed by diligent observers across the United States. Like wildebeest attracted to a single watering hole in the Sahara desert, these men navigate to the nearest drug store or florist for something equally as important to them: last minute Valentine’s Day gifts.
Nothing says “I love you” more than the last card left at Hallmark, the wilted roses, or the generic heart-shaped box of cheap Russell Stover chocolates! What these gifts may lack in physical appearance or thoughtfulness they make up for in the bravery and challenge that went into acquiring them.
Trying to obtain the right card and a bouquet of living flowers on Valentine’s Day is difficult enough. Add another 20 procrastinating, stressed out men into the mix and you are basically fighting to the death in the Roman Colosseum. Either you get what you need or you die trying. The alternative is to go home on Valentine’s day empty-handed, and, at that point, all you can do is pray is that you come out alive.
Yet, these valiant last-minute warriors are not the true heroes of Valentine's Day. When the dust settles on the migration of nervous men, the true winners of this holiday emerge from their homes like lone lions or hungry hyenas: the single men and women. They come to scavenge amongst what is left of failing relationships, hopes, dreams, and, most importantly, the cheap chocolate.
So, you didn't have someone to share the holiday with. And, yes, maybe you sat home alone. At least CVS will put all that heart-shaped candy on sale.
Ultimately, when our relationships eventually fail or when life presents us with chaos, there is only one thing that will never abandon us: everyone’s favorite 50% off chocolate sale. What is the point of fighting for a few material things to please your partner when you can just go a day after and get stuff on sale?! Being in a couple is a lot of work, anyway.