Tori Fisher / Gavel Media

Diatribe: Thanksgiving Roast

The Gavel’s Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.

Every Thanksgiving, we gather around as a family, give thanks for all that we have, and eat the 100% authentic meal of the Pilgrims: oven roasted turkey, boxed stuffing, and canned cranberry sauce.

Unfortunately for all of us poor souls returning home from college, we also face the biggest test of the fall semester. No, not your Organic Chemistry midterm or Financial Accounting exam. I am talking about the Thanksgiving roast: when the countless family members we haven’t seen in months descend upon us like turkey vultures, barraging us with endless questions.

Every Thanksgiving roast starts out the same. Family members ask the simplest and easiest questions: "How do you like Boston College?" "How are your roommates?" "What classes are you taking?" These questions cannot be avoided. They are the low hanging fruit in a never-ending cornucopia of inquiries. Use these as practice for the tougher ones to come. Give just enough information so as to appease their voracious appetite but not a drop more.

Next, come the questions that inevitably eat away at our confidence in our career paths: "So, what do you plan on doing with that philosophy degree?" "Are you still undecided about your major?" "Have you received any internship offers yet?" Proceed with caution! These are traps, meant to ensnare us like fish on a hook. Our families know well enough the many difficulties we face trying to find jobs and figuring out our futures. Again, only give them the bare minimum required to discourage further questioning.

Now, we finally come to the two questions that I dread every year: "Any cute girls up at BC?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" This is as slippery a slope as the black ice you may have slipped on walking up your family’s driveway that morning. There are only two acceptable answers to avoid further questioning: "I am just not interested in pursuing any relationships right now," or "I am trying to focus on my schoolwork."

Even though the turkey isn’t the only thing being roasted, Thanksgiving is still a time to celebrate family and all for which we are thankful. That being said, if I don’t make it out of Thanksgiving dinner alive, just know I died happily; my aunt’s exquisite four-cheese mac and cheese makes the Rat’s taste like soggy pasta!

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