With the impending releases of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice this week and Captain America: Civil War in early May—and the successes (and spectacular failures) of recent releases like Deadpool and Fantastic Four—there’s no time like the present to provide the objective, definitive ranking of superheroes. These rankings are based on coolness and coolness only. Don't worry, I think I need to get a life too.
This isn’t really close. He’s a ninja, he has a bunch of sweet gadgets, and he spawned the best trilogy of movies to ever exist. His host of psychological issues makes him an interesting and in-depth character, and he generally kicks everyone’s butt and looks cool doing so. Could you argue that Bruce Wayne should use his considerable wealth to attempt to fight Gotham’s poverty, therefore lowering crime, instead of running around at night roundhouse kicking criminals in the face? You could, but we’d all hate you.
- Iron Man
He’s basically Batman with better armor and worse fighting skills. He’s a super-genius with immeasurable wealth, and that suit is the coolest thing you’ve ever seen. Being Iron Man seems like the greatest thing ever (one day, maybe). He doesn’t have any real problems, though, aside from his weapons occasionally ending up in the hands of global terrorists (oops!) or his random houses being destroyed. I’d rather be Iron Man, but Batman is undoubtedly cooler.
- Deadpool (?)
Is he a hero? Maybe! Does he murder a lot of people with no regard for their humanity? Pretty much! Yet he’s also the wittiest antihero in existence, has a powerful healing ability, and has a great movie out recently. He violently kills people while probably making a dumb joke about it, and I respect that immensely.
Even though being a nerdy, hormonal teen isn’t a superpower (if only), Spider-Man has plenty of other cool powers to keep us entertained. He can shoot webbing from his wrists, has super-strength, and can sense when bad things are about to happen. He looks cool, and his thing with Mary Jane makes my heart sing. Aside from the weird amount of movie reboots and the stupid hyphen in his name, Spider-Man is pretty awesome.
- Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy
The list just wouldn’t feel right without these two legends.
- Wonder Woman
She’s a demigod, she has a ton of complex powers and abilities that go right over my head, and she has a sweet invisible jet that would be a pretty useful addition to the Eagle Escort fleet. She’s basically a cooler version of Superman.
He can heal himself and has those claw things that you made with pens/markers as a kid (or last week). He’s basically immortal—since he was born in the late 19th century—and he has de facto knives on his hand. No complaints there.
- Any other superhero that has ever existed.
He’s boring and dumb.
- Getting hit by the Comm Ave bus without getting free tuition.
Mermaid Man does it better.