This may come as a shock to much of my graduating class, but my love life has drastically improved since my days at George Washington High. What's even more amazing is that all the improvement has occurred without leaving the comfort of my bedroom. How, you might ask, does this suddenly happen to a guy on the downward slope towards middle age? Through the magic and friendship of the Internet, my friends.
I’ve always had a little trouble arousing attention from my female counterparts. My mom says they’re “intimidated by my gentle spirit,” which I stuck with until my 40th birthday. At 40 years old (plus one day), I decided to kill two birds with one stone and take control of my love life while joining the interconnected world-wide-web.
I made a MySpace first because I heard that’s the thing to do. I played around on the Google. Then, I began searching dating websites, making profiles on each.
The first website I found was Equestrian Cupid. Normally, I would steer very clear of anything to do with horses, but I had just re-watched Sea Biscuit and rationalized my chronic fear of horses. When she asked me to meet at her family barn, I heard the neighs from the driveway and left before it began.
Then, I saw an advertisement for Amish Dating. I grew up very close to an Amish community and always envied their craftwork, so I decided to give it a go. I ended up taking my profile down because my lack of facial hair made me self-conscious.
I tried Mullet Passions after that, but ran into the same sort of “lack thereof” problem. Plus, the fake profile picture of Billy Ray Cyrus got me kicked off the site.
Apparently 5’6” doesn’t cut it for TallFriends.
Too many people paint themselves purple on Trek Passions.
BikerKiss didn’t allow bikes with baskets.
Singles with Food Allergies didn’t accommodate my asparagus allergy.
The characters on VampPersonals were nothing like the Cullens.
And FarmersOnly meant more horses.
I was beginning to feel hopeless when I saw the ad: “Want a mate like Minnie? A Goofy that doesn’t grope? A Donald that has hit puberty? Then, MouseMingle is the site for you! Find your next lover among lovers of all things Disney!”