The FIFA World Cup—BC Version

With less than 50 days until the start of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, an electricity ignites the air as the world’s greatest sporting event dawns closer. Recently, I took the chance to stop, reflect, and ask myself a question: In the world of BC, what personalities, or just people in general, represent the teams playing in Brazil this June? I had fun with this, and what I found might surprise you:

USA: The underground frat boy. Truly Sig Ep’s finest—Team USA believes they remain on the rise, with a legitimate chance to seize glory in Rio. Meanwhile, the rest of the world laughs and shakes their heads. In response, this USA frat boy gets mad and takes out his anger on the other freshmen guys, specifically Mexico and Jamaica. Another four years, another CONCACAF crown.

#artsy Photo courtesy of flickr / Larissa Simoes.

Photo courtesy of flickr / Larissa Simoes

Brazil: Why not instagram a picture of yourself with a Starbucks and some Vineyard Vines while you're at it? The same, unoriginal people who root for Brazil do so without rhyme or reason. Rooting for Brazil seems like the easiest way to conform and impress others with your soccer tastes, despite the fact these so-called fans scratch their head when asked who Pelé is. “Like the pasta, right?” Close, but nice try.

Portugal: So 2006. And by 2006, I mean the Cinderella story that nobody seemed to fall in love with. It was as if Cinderella grew a beard and forgot to shave for a month (scratch that, just Christiano Ronaldo winking and wearing a dress). You live in the glory of the past, wearing your old high school varsity jacket loud and proud. This BC student jumps on bandwagons, rides it loud and proud until he falters and falls on his face, prompting him to jump on board with his western neighbors. Guess who?

VIVA ESPANA (Spain): Yes, Spain! The triple-major student who just returned from feeding an entire African village while studying Swahili abroad, of course. This student does everything perfect, looking forward to spending his summer as an OL, with just enough time to apply for a Fulbright Scholarship. Before moving on to Med School, he still feels the need to add another title or two to his résumé, even if it means missing out on a night at MA’s.

England: You can’t spell ratchet without Wayne Rooney. England’s old, beaten down roster has seen better days of late. With the world’s most obnoxious fans, nobody would touch England with a ten-foot pole. The Three (Dying) Lions depict the three-headed monster of Newton, CoRo, and Edmonds.

Honduras: The freshman guy of the tournament—finally gets into a mod party, but doesn't know what to do when he gets there. In fact, he forgets who he is completely. One moment he's Nick from Walsh 405 or Johnny on CoRo. All things equal, he is a little too big for his britches and find himself humbled (thrown out) by the big senior himself.

Germany: The big shot CSOM senior who cherishes the limelight... maybe a little too much. With #4 tatooed to his forehead, he insists everyone knows who’s the top dog on campus. Plain and simple, he knows and loves the fact that he's better than you.

When's the last time anyone's actually seen Father's smiling face? Photo courtesy of flickr / Boston College.

Photo courtesy of flickr / Boston College

Belgium: Nobody’s seen them since what, like ’02? Belgium has been out of the international spotlight for a grueling 12 years now. With a triumphant return this summer in time for graduation and the Brazilian festivities, Belgium will make a grand appearance. But don’t blink, because just like the extinguished—yet almost nonexistent—Father Leahy, Belgium will not stay for long.

France: That kid on the club club (club?) lacrosse team. After getting cut from the actual team, he thought it’d be fun to order himself the same varsity Patagonia and call himself a member of varsity team. Cute, right? France has a long history of accepting players with dual nationalities (FIFA allows players to choose which nation they want to play for when they come form different nationalities, as long as they hold citizenship in that nation). Zidane, Evra, and Benzema highlight the star power generated by the said loophole over the past decade. They formed their own team to barge their way into the hottest party in the world of football. Sound familiar?

Sweden: Dick Po. In the words of the Counting Crows, you, “don't know what you got till it's gone.” This Scandinavian nation best depicts Dick Po—don’t think twice about it. I know what you’re thinking, “Sweden never even qualified for the World Cup.” Yes, they missed the party completely, disappearing more subtly than the legendary cashier himself. Swedish striker, Zlatan Ibrahimovich, said it best, “a World Cup without me is nothing to watch.” Rio won’t be the same without your cheeky strikes this year, Zlatan, but Mac never felt emptier without the coy swipes of Dick.

FIFA: How fitting, FIFA's most apt doppelganger is another acronym—UGBC. They think they run the show, but haven’t been remotely relevant since election season. Everybody laughs from afar as Qatar, a nation no bigger than Delaware, gets to host the 2022 World Cup. Meanwhile, Hoodie Allen gets Modstock. Thanks UGBC, FIFA!

 

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