The Biggest Losers of the 2013 VMAs

The 2013 MTV Video Music Awards were certainly not boring. With a nineteen minute long Justin Timberlake medley including a *NSYNC reunion, a performance of "Same Love" by Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, and Mary Lambert accompanied by Jennifer Hudson, and a Katy Perry finale that involved her jumping rope AND singing, it is safe to say that the VMAs had many high notes throughout the night.

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And yet, despite the completely overpowering artistry of Justin Timberlake, the show was riddled with gaffs, jokes in poor taste, and cringe-worthy moments. Which begs the question: if winners at the VMAs get Moonman Awards, what do the losers get? And can someone please give one to Miley Cyrus? Keep in mind that I do not mean the losers of the actual awards. I mean the people who made the show so squirm-inducing that my roommate felt compelled to announce, "I feel like I was just sexually assaulted through the screen." If you missed the show, and somehow subsequently missed the eruption on Twitter, I'm here to help you catch up with these losers of the VMAs.

7. Jay-Z

I understand it is hard for someone to be a VMA loser when they weren't even at the show. But come on Jay, this is your home! This is the Barclays Center for crying out loud. You built this arena into what it is today, and then when the VMAs come to town you don't even show up? Not even to support your buddy Justin Timberlake on his reception of the Michael Jackson "Video Vanguard Award"? Maybe it was supposed to be a statement about the triviality of award shows like the VMAs, or maybe you were staying home with Blue Ivy. But it still would have been nice to see a Jay-Z and JT performance as part of that incredible set.

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6. Rihanna's Enthusiasm

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Rihanna did not bother hiding her sheer boredom at most of the live acts to grace the stage of the Barclays Center. In fact, at one point during One Direction's number she looked like she was on the verge of falling asleep. Try and and at least pretend to be enjoying yourself RiRi.

 

5. Austin Mahone & his "Mahomies"

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No. Please, for the love of all that is holy, no. Does the pop world really need another pierced boy with skinny jeans that look like they're cutting off his circulation? Aren't Justin Bieber and his "Beliebers" enough? Must we have a clone running around too? This is also the boy who beat out Zedd and the Weeknd for the "Artist to Watch Award." The ridiculous nature of that statement speaks for itself, so I'm going to leave it at that.

 

4. Kevin Hart's jokes

Okay, I love Kevin Hart. Truly, the man is hilarious. But his running jokes about Lady GaGa's behind crossed every decency line imaginable.  Yes, she went out onstage wearing a ridiculous bra and thong combination. No, that does not give you the right to announce in front of thousands of people that you were checking out her "yams." Just can you not?

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3. Taylor Swift

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Part of it wasn't her fault. Part of it should be blamed on the cameraman and the bizarre amount of time he spent training his camera on Taylor and Selena Gomez. Then again we can blame Taylor for 95% of her obnoxious fan-girling, dancing, shrieking, and clapping. It was confusing. It was awkward to watch. And it left us all thinking the same thing:

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Hey, she's the one who said it.

 

2. Miley Cyrus's backup dancers

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Image via Getty Images

I don't care who you work for or how much you're getting paid, if someone tells you to strap a gigantic stuffed bear to your back and twerk onstage at the Barclays Center JUST SAY NO. Really, that should be common sense people. As my mother would say, "Make good choices!!"

 

1. Robin Thicke & Miley Cyrus

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Oh the coup de grâce. If you didn't see the disgusting performance by these two, I suggest that you consider yourself extremely lucky. It was scarring. You can't un-see that kind of stuff, man. In typical Miley "Hey look at how un-Disney Channel I am now!!" form, this number was over the top, sexually charged, and lacking any value as a performance piece.

You couldn't watch the screen long enough without cringing away or going to hide under a blanket. Shame on you for agreeing to it Robin Thicke. The performance actually caused Kevin Hart to suggest that Miley take a pregnancy test after the song was over, and you know what, I can't say that it's a bad idea.

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Was that actually necessary? I don't think so. My roommate who felt sexually assaulted through our TV screen didn't think so. Even Rihanna didn't seem to think so.

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That face just about sums up the general reaction to Miley's "twerking." This is coming from a women who has produced songs such as "Cockiness" and "Birthday Cake" in the past. She is not easily repulsed. And yet Miley managed to do it with her horrifying foam finger antics. Clean up the act Miley, and for goodness sake take out those absurd pigtails. Thank you, and good night.

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