Waitress Rant is a blog in which I document the daunting tasks of “walking in a straight line” and “not dropping things” at a semi-offensively-entitled-restaurant.
Dearest Waitress Rant Readers (All three of you),
I fear that my time waitress-ranting has come to an end. And, all endings require a trip down memory lane. Remember, just a few weeks ago, when I was a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed waitress-in-training? I was reaching for the stars, the golden standard of waitressing… with the one and only Hilary Duff as my role model. A Cinderella Story aside, Hilary was always throwing words of inspiration at us. I mean, come on, just check out the Lizzie McGuire theme song:
“We only do the best we can and sometimes we make it, sometimes we fake it.” Sigh. She’s really giving Shakespeare a run for his money. Anyway, living in the shadow of Hilary got tough after a while. And so, to make myself feel better, I made a list entitled, “Two Waitresses and a Waiter Worse Than You!” In honor of my last blog post, I will share this top-secret list with you.
Two Waitresses and a Waiter Worse Than You:
3. Waitress #2, Cuban Revolution Restaurant and Bar
This is a code name I created for one of my co-workers. (I was inspired by Tobias Funke’s “minor, but meaty” role in a feature film—Confidence Man #2….his character, not the movie title). Her time at the restaurant was brief, but “meaty” for sure. Anyway, one day, Waitress #2 just had enough of the waitress world. One of the customers was complaining just a little too much about his “overly sweet milkshake”. So, what did she do? She dumped the milkshake over his head and walked out. I told him that milk is supposed to be a good deep conditioner… he wasn’t as excited as I’d hoped. Thanks to Waitress #2, anytime I messed up I’d think to myself, at least you didn’t dump a milkshake over anyone’s head.
2. Sookie Stackhouse, Merlotte’s (True Blood)
Sookie Stackhouse is the worst - because she’s Sookie Stackhouse. But she’s also a terrible waitress. First of all, she’s too busy getting her blood-sucked or refusing to get her blood-sucked to serve anyone properly. Second of all, she needs to get creative with her accessorizing/attempts to hide bite marks because this just isn’t working for me:
And third of all, does she really need to pop out her boobs all the time? I’m all for good posture, but that just isn’t natural.
1. Sheldon Cooper, The Cheesecake Factory (The Big Bang Theory)
Sheldon’s motivation for working as a waiter definitely wasn’t Hilary. In his own words, “I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.” So, it was a sort of social experiment for him. Even though his social skills don’t really exist.
Okay, so he was only a waiter/bus boy for a hot second, but it was a truly terrible hot second. I guess he’s excused because he’s a genius, but still. Scientific epiphanies n’ stuff are great but not when you’re supposed to be serving people.
Don’t worry guys - I repressed all the scientific epiphanies that were stirring in my brain whilst I was waitressing.
Anyway, the point is, there is always someone worse (Sheldon/Sukhy/Waitress #2) and much better (HILARRRY!) than you. It’s good to remind yourself of that sometimes. But, you also gotta do your own thang. Learn the things that only you can learn. For me, that meant maybe seeing waitressing as Fight Club or Game of Thrones. Not sorry.
TIP WELL AND PROSPER.
But seriously…$2 for every $10. Don’t be cheap.
VIVA LA RANT.
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