I know what you tweeted last summer: Jessica Simpson

When I sat down to figure out whose Twitter account I was going to trash study this week, my first thought was Perez Hilton. I haven’t read his blogs in months but, and I cringe admitting this, there were times when I would visit his site upwards of four and five times a day. As lowbrow as Perezhilton.com may seem to be for you “intellectuals” out there, this guy is the source for just about everything any teenage girl craves beyond the fluff stories that People puts out in fear of a lawsuit.

So I thought if his Twitter were anything like his salacious stories and pictures, we would be in for a real treat.

Well for the first time Perez you disappointed me…big time. For the amount of times you have tweeted, 150,000 to be exact (so unnecessary), you gave me nothing. Every tweet was only some promotional gimmick or one of five versions of the same tweet linking to an article. Thanks for selling out Perez.

Also the fact that you now have a child leaves me speechless. Like I just can’t.

But if there was one thing that your Twitter brought, one small piece of light, it was a tweet by Jessica Simpson.

I completely forgot about this chick. I know I am not alone in saying this but I was for sure unhealthily way too invested in the show Newlyweds and saddened by the Nick and Jessica divorce.  Also, “I Think I’m in Love” was burned onto probably every CD I made sophomore and junior year of high school.

Yet Jessica, you somehow managed to evade my life recently. I don’t know if I just completely lost interest in you once you settled down with a family or you are just too dumb for my existence, but either way I do apologize.

One thing I just need to say before we begin: Why the hell would you ever name your daughter Maxwell?! Are you trying to say that you wish you had a son or is this some kind of new parenting technique where you purposefully set your child up to be bullied so that they will develop thicker skin? But I digress.

Despite the years of no contact, by studying you recently I realized that some things haven’t changed since you were last in my life and this brought a smile to my face. You are still as empty-headed and naïve as you were years ago, going about your business without a care in the world. Maybe we should all take a page out of your book…

self worth

Well you must think pretty highly of yourself because you seem to put just about anything in!

chill bumps

Do you mean goose bumps…?

maxwell whistling

 Next on “Are You Smarter Than Your Infant?”…

Maxwell amazing

Well I mean she is already surpassing your developmentally so I would assume so.

wrong spelling

Oh but it is so fitting…

jessica as a balloon

Now are you trying to say that you look like a balloon or that your head is filled with nothing but air? Works either way.

On second thought maybe we shouldn’t take a page out of your book… A world made up of Jessica Simpsons may be a happy one but it would be too dumb to function.

Like what you see? Join The Gavel here!

Comments