The Cubicle Diaries XII: Zoophilia and my case for normalcy

This past week at the office, one of my last as the summer comes to a close and the beginning of classes draws nearer, was cut short because of an excursion I took to the Cape. But somehow, in the two days that I did work this week, I was able to find myself in the midst of two, perspiration-accelerating crises.

The first was a mistake that can happen to anybody.

While there are bathrooms in my office, I like to use the ones in the hallway because they are generally cleaner and I can take my sweet time in there and not worry about my coworkers judging me. As I do them.

(As a side note, here’s what’s been distracting me as I write this blog.):

Upon finishing a few levels of Candy Crush, I took care of business in there and left. An elderly woman was outside patiently waiting and I smiled and nodded as if to say, “I’m all set, thanks for waiting.”

I walked down the hallway, heard the bathroom door shut, and remembered that I forgot to flush.

Panic struck, and it struck hard.

My only reaction was to walk faster and get out of eyesight as quickly as possible. As soon as I turned the corner to go down another hallway, I saw her open the bathroom door and peer out of the bathroom to see if she could catch the perpetrator responsible for such indecency. It was reminiscent of that scene from Benchwarmers...

And that is why I have to go down two flights of stairs every time I have to use the bathroom now. I have no one but myself to blame.

Now before you kill yourself over the fact that you’ve read this far and still have yet to receive an explanation for the title of this blog, let me assure you that I am in no way, shape, form, taste, color, or any other ambiguous categorical characterization a zoophile.

For those of you a tad confused about zoophilia, it is defined as a paraphilia involving sexual activity between human and non-human animals or a fixation on such practice.

I mean, I love golden retrievers as much as the next guy...

Anyway, I was minding my own business during my lunch break, googling the Boston Bruins and Red Sox in search of any and all news on them (Yes, yes that is what I do with my spare time) when all of a sudden my screen froze and up pops an FBI warning with a screenshot of MY FACE on the computer.

I promptly messed my pants and restarted the computer. I had no idea what was going on and didn’t understand why a Google search of “Boston Bruins contracts for 2013-14” would lead to such fright and disorder.

Then BAM, the photo came up again and I couldn’t get off the screen. I calmed down a little and soon realized that I must have some sort of virus, because the writing on the warning was filled with grammatical errors and I’m pretty sure a government-issued warning wouldn’t use your instead of you’re or forget which words do that whole “I before E” thing.

(The effect of that little girl saying “shiiickens” earlier has worn off, so I’ve found myself wasting time watching these Sportscenter commercials. Very rich.):

I didn’t want to ask anyone to help me though because:

-          A) How do I approach someone about removing the virus I have on my computer that’s accusing me of watching animal porn?

-          B) My picture in the warning was not of my good side.

I figured out that the virus was isolated in that one user on the computer, so I took a flash drive and saved all my documents on there and simply created a new user on the computer and re-saved everything there.

What’s great is that by having to deal with this virus, I found out how to do things with the computer. As a result I was able change my background on the computer, so instead of a dull blue screen I now have...

...Oh God...

...I changed it to a basket of puppies...

In my defense, who could not love these little fuzzy guys?

You could say my life goal is to one day be in this photo. Photo courtesy of flickr/puppiez

You could say my life goal is to one day be in this photo.
Photo courtesy of flickr/puppiez

I swear I’m normal.

Screenshots by Jake Miller/Gavel Media

This blog and all of its previous entries have been completely satirical in their intent. All names have been changed, but to be honest - half of the people you've come to know and love were completely made up. Also, much of my content was made up to entertain you wonderful readers because, let's be honest, who wants to read about me actually doing work at work.

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