The Cubicle Diaries XI: Homo audiophobus

So apparently, there are a select few individuals in this world that comprise a separate species of living creatures known as Homo audiophobus that do not like music. Initiating fetal position.

I’ve come to expect very little from my office associates, but this just about takes the proverbial cake, if you will.

It started like any other boring Monday...

I shuffle over to my desk, flop down in the chair, and fall asleep for 10 minutes.

Ooops, oh god I hope no one saw me. Nah, I think I’m okay. Well I should probably wake myself up and get to work here.

*Phone buzzes*

YES, I UNLOCKED ANOTHER QUEST IN CANDY CRUSH.

*Proceeds to waste another 30 minutes*

Well, now that I’ve successfully blown through all of my lives in Candy Crush, I should probably start thinking about working – which I can’t do without music.

*Opens “Get Lucky” Pandora station. Get Lucky starts playing*

Let’s step away from the narrative for a second here to appreciate what just happened. Very rarely does Pandora ever play the song for which the station is named. However, when it does... whoa. There’s only one word on the face of this lovely green and blue planet that can accurately describe the feeling that is the explosion of sensation down one’s spine, causing the hairs on one’s back to stand on end.

Eargasm.

Speaking of which, the intro to the album version of Get Lucky by Daft Punk is much better than the intro we all hear on the radio edit.

Also, here’s some more fodder for your music-crazing ears: a cover of Icona Pop’s I Love It by the very talented Robin Thicke.

Wow. “Digression” would be the understatement of the century. Anywayyy...

Get Lucky starts playing on my computer and one of my coworkers saunters by and asks me what it is, expressing real interest and not just feigned friendliness. I’m the youngest person in this office by at least 12-15 years, so I soon realized that the beat to Get Lucky actually appeals to people whose music has a cutoff date of 1980. The rhythm is reminiscent even of the 70’s versions of the show Soul Train.

If it were still socially acceptable to dance like that, I would utilize that untapped potential in these shoulders like there was no tomorrow. (Disclaimer: I do anyways.)

So my coworker begins talking about music and then, we ask Anna what kind of music she likes and that’s when I mentally added her to my list of people that I deem unfit for humanity. This list includes the likes of Randy Jones, Bernard Pollard, Matt Cooke, and basically anyone that has ever injured one of my Boston sports heroes.

I actually get sick when I watch this replay. Randy Jones, you are at the top of my list.

Oh yeah, so back to the story. Anna told us that she “doesn’t care for music” and “just listens to talk radio” while she’s in the car.

Now I don’t know about you, but everything I do includes music. Working, running, driving, golfing, typing this blog... you name it, I’m playing music while doing it.

I even take pleasure in finding new music and showing other people what I’ve done, like a little kid in art class showing his teacher his masterpiece of an apple that’s just a red and green waste of Crayola. For example, I discovered and showed all my friends Foster the People, Daft Punk, and Imagine Dragons, to name a few.

And I know for a fact that I’m not the only person like this. It’s just mind-boggling. Who doesn’t like music???

What scared me even more was when another person in the office agreed with Anna and said they too “don’t really do music.”

Initiating permanent fetal position.

I know President Obama stresses acceptance of all people(s), but if he truly cares about the future of America, he simply cannot let these people taxonomically categorized as Homo audiophobus procreate.

Feature photo screen shot by Jake Miller/Gavel Media. 

This blog and all of its previous entries have been completely satirical in their intent. All names have been changed, but to be honest - half of the people you've come to know and love were completely made up. Also, much of my content was made up to entertain you wonderful readers because, let's be honest, who wants to read about me actually doing work at work. 

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Jake Miller