Being from New Jersey, I am constantly deflecting criticisms from out-of-staters who refer to us as nothing but "trash" and "guidos." Obviously they have never physically been to our state since we are nothing but pure class. Okay, well some of us...
Anyways, I was all for defending my fellow New Jerseyans, until one day a horrible thing happened. They discovered reality TV.
I mean you could have done anything else. Anything. But no, you had to put your orange faces out there for all the world to see. I am forever indebted to you for that, so thank you.
From the beginning I absolutely refused to watch the Jersey Shore. Seaside Heights... really? I mean that's not even what the Jersey Shore is like. So, that was a no from the start. However, The Real Housewives of New Jersey drew me in.
I don't know what it was about the show, whether it was the familiar landmarks, the female-centered cast or the (relatively) downplayed drama, but I was mesmerized.
In high school some of my friends and I watched the first two seasons religiously. We even planned road trips for when we got our licenses to stalk their houses (OK, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that...). Either way, this was one show about New Jersey I could tolerate.
However, as I grew older and more mature, I slowly let the Real Housewives go little by little until I tuned them out completely.
Thank you Teresa Guidice for bringing yourself and the girls back into my life. After your recent indictment on 39 counts of fraud and making false statements, you have truly brought the class back to N.J.
So how did Teresa and Joe Guidice think they were going to get away with all of this, especially on a national platform (like how dumb could you be?)? We have to look at the daily life of the Guidice matriarch. All I have to say is I think all of the chemicals from the hairspray and tanning lotion have gotten to your brain, sweetie.
No, sweetie. You just can’t afford anything.
Maybe you should have thought of this before you filed for bankruptcy, conspired to commit mail and wire and bank fraud and made false statements on loan documents, etc. I don’t know, just a thought.
But then again I don’t even think you posing naked in your driveway could get you out of this jam. Hate to break it to you honey, but you’re not that pretty and even Star Magazine isn’t that desperate.
Unfortunately, soon the only time people will be able to see you is during visiting hours.
You know what they say: "Through thick and thin, ‘til death (or separate jail cells) do us part," I guess.
OK, I’ll back off.
But on a more serious note…
And as a person with half a brain, I wanted to let you all know that every Sunday’s episode of RHONJ is pretty ridiculous and comical. I wouldn’t let anyone watch. #everyrealityTVshow
If I were you Teresa I would lay off the spray tanning for a while. Even though "orange is the new black," I wouldn't go so far as to say it goes well with a "Snooki-like" complexion.