I have done it. I have tangible proof that I have actually moved up in the world. I am becoming my own person. This is one of the most uplifting experiences of my life. I can smell colors and see sounds.
All this, because I have just moved into my own office.
I had never experienced an actual work environment before coming to this office. Sure, I’d worked at a grocery store before but that was in no way, shape, or form your typical desk job.
So accordingly, I have never known the benefits of having my own office with its own chair and its own walls and its own random assortment of colored alligator clips that are all slightly defective in their own separate ways, so that you need to use at least three to confidently hold a stack of paper together - inevitably making your newest set of closeout documents look like the celebration that would ensue if the Rainbow Party were to capture the presidency.
That all changed when Debbie, some lady I had NEVER seen before in my four weeks of working at this office that is roughly the size of Devlin 008, minus the amphitheater seating arrangement (unfortunate, I know), decided to work from home for “personal reasons.” Yeah, we all know you were sick of Anna, Debbie. I mean who isn’t? Anna is like a reincarnation of Cruella de Vil from 101 Dalmations. Except for the skunk stripe down the middle of her hair, which was probably relocated to the empty hole where Anna’s soul should be.
Having my own office led to so much elation that I became motivated enough to make the office’s first recycling bin out of old paper boxes and duct tape. Not only have I received a promotion of sorts, but I am also now saving the planet. Jake: 2, Everyone else: 0.
Despite my wild praise, there aren’t a great myriad of reasons for me to like my situation. Yes, it comes with the promise of comfort and privacy, but it also presents new and scary problems and distractions.
A high-end director of something has the office next to mine. He is of some Middle Eastern culture and sounds exactly like Gru from Despicable Me. EXACTLY.
He has a very eccentric name as well and I could not contain my own laughter when he was continually denied access to a conference call the other day because the machine on the other end of the line couldn’t recognize his name.
When I said there were a boatload of distractions though, I managed to leave out the fact that many of them were self-inflicted.
One such distraction would be the war that my loaded stapler and I waged against our common enemy, the facing wall. With a drawer full of extra staples and a wall just far enough away where I had to question whether or not a stapler could shoot that far, I couldn't resist.
There was more blood than D-Day at Omaha Beach - à la Tom Hanks style.
So moving from the supply desk in Anna’s office to my very own corner office was easily the highlight of my life for that day.
Just for that day.
The following morning I came in to work to find that two older woman had been hired, one of whom had made herself nice and cozy at my desk. I was informed that since I was just here for the summer I didn’t need my own office... forcing me back to the supply desk located in Anna’s office.
I came in, forlorn, dragging my failed attempt at a recycling bin over to my original home at the supply desk. I sat down in my chair and realized that it wasn’t too bad over here. Being in the middle of commotion with people filing in and out kept me productive. It also conserved staples.
I began to look on my demotion of sorts in a positive light until I looked over and saw Anna just smirking at me.
“I knew you’d be back. They all come back.”
When the other option is death by suffocation in a locked car in the heat of the day in the middle of the Congo with a Nickelback CD in the radio, then yeah. Then they might all come back.
This blog and all of its previous entries have been completely satirical in their intent. All names have been changed, but to be honest - half of the people you've come to know and love were completely made up. Also, much of my content was made up to entertain you wonderful readers because, let's be honest, who wants to read about me actually doing work at work.