As I sit here browsing through the beginning pages of this summer’s celebrity Twitter burn book, I realize I should apologize to you all for the over emphasis on former child star train wrecks.
But then again sorry I’m not sorry that the majority of them turn into complete screw ups (what I really wanted to call them was deemed inappropriate, but you get what I mean). It’s like rubbernecking while passing a major accident on the highway – I just can’t look away.
Therefore, if we are going to dedicate moments of our precious time to some of the most famous child star meltdowns, otherwise known as Amanda Bynes and Justin Bieber, it is only fair that we pay our respects to the queen of failure herself:
If Lindsay’s Twitter account is even the slightest bit as delusional as she comes off in real life we are in for quite the treat.
But, before we start can we just note her twitter bio: “Lindsay Lohan artist.” Artist of what exactly…? If by artist you mean master artisan of the increasingly popular trend “Hollywood train wreck,” then yes. You could even go so far as saying a trailblazer of the movement. But artist in the sense of a person who performs and entertains in the form of role-playing? Meryl Streep, you are not.
Yes, Lindsay, you could argue that over the past two decades you have taken on many endearing and entertaining roles – from blossoming child star and the beautiful redhead teen icon of the early 2000s to the sexually confused Saturday Night Live punch line and nose powdering Paris Hilton knockoff.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, the last piece of art you created, other than a courtroom transcript, was Mean Girls and that was almost 10 years ago. (Sorry but made-for-TV Lifetime movies and pornos don’t really count as “works of art.”) Lindsay my friend, the only thing you are successful at these days is keeping TMZ and America’s rehabs in business.
Hate to break it to you Lindsay but we caught glimpse of your delusional nature the moment you looked in the mirror and thought your only flaw was that you have “bad breath in the morning.” Ha, please.
I feel you on that, Linds. Come on people, it was just a little bit of rain and a brisk breeze that only left 150 people dead, thousands of people homeless and millions without power. Seriously, such drama queens!!!
Amen sista! Who needs a talking, breathing, fully functioning human boyfriend when you have all of the luxuries in the world! You know what they say, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” I even heard a rumor once that the best ones are those that you steal yourself.
Oh, so you do know what it is? Could’ve fooled me.
So Lindsay, even after so many arrests, countless court appearances and 6 trips to rehab why do we keep seeing reports of your DUIs, probation violations, and other misdemeanors over and over again?
Lindsay Lohan: "When someone tells me not to do something, I'll do it more."
Screenshots by Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media.