From Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan to Macaulay Culkin and Jodie Sweetin, one thing is for sure – if you were ever on Nickelodeon, Disney Channel or just merely seen as a former child star, you are bound to screw up life. From drug addictions, insane mental breakdowns and just plain erratic behavior, these former child starlets never cease to entertain us.
It’s as if in every contract each one of them signed there was some disclosure in very fine print that stated: “For every classic catchphrase you coin or classic movie franchise you carry, we guarantee at least one stint in rehab. We will even throw in a highly publicized mental breakdown if you can guarantee us syndication.”
While America’s attention has mainly been focused on the rapidly spiraling train wreck we used to lovingly know as Amanda Bynes, there’s another child star whose wheels are beginning to fall off the wagon. This person has not garnered quite the attention that Amanda has, as the downfall has been more of a slow build rather than an abrupt crash.
Now I wouldn’t say this person raises quite the same alarm as someone as delirious and legally plagued as, say, Lindsay Lohan, but he is not far off. His turbulent behavior is the result of an inflated ego and a life of spoils.
Don’t know whom I’m talking about? Let me give you a few hints. He has recently been pulled over for driving more than 100 mph on a California freeway, written in the Anne Frank House guest book that he hoped Anne was a “belieber,” worn a gas mask around London and walked shirtless through airport security.
It is none other than America’s newest celeb punk: Justin Bieber.
Personally I have never acquired the so-called “Bieber fever.” While I do believe he is a talented artist and performer, I’ve never really had a thing for boys who wear tighter jeans than me or who would lose to me in an arm wrestling competition. Just not my thing. Recently, however, my feelings towards Justin have turned from ones of indifference to straight up dislike. Kid is a punk.
Like are you that lazy that you can’t pull your pants all the way up or do you actually think that is a good look? Truthfully no one wants to see that. You call yourself an adult yet you are 19 years old and still sing to the teen-bopper population. Sit down Justin Bieber.
Even worse is that I just found out that Justin is the most popular celebrity Twitter account with 40 million followers. Just to blow your minds, his account acquires one new follower every second. So naturally, I had to see what all of the fuss is about. All I have to say is, are you people kidding me…
Despite having more than 22,000 tweets (a bit aggressive I must say), followers can only see tweets as far back as early March of this past year. Let me tell you, this is more than enough. What have I taken away from my most recent study of the cancer to our society’s IQ? Justin Bieber is none other than a spoiled punk who has a delusional, self-absorbed view of the world and thinks that other people give two sh*** about what he has to say. Hate to break it to you Justin, but wdgaf?
Justin preaches all of these peaceful messages like he is Gandhi or something but he is nothing but a hypocrite.
Yeah, how is that working out for you?
Seems like they did a pretty good job, eh?
Justin is either following the old saying, “fake it until you make it” or is simply delusional.
I’m a bit confused. Are these not the same fans who booed you off the stage?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
In true “fame whore” fashion, Justin turns to Twitter to subtly tip off the paparazzi, his so-called “enemies.”
What’s really alarming is that he seems to think we care… Like do you want a trophy or something?
Justin decides he is too good for the mainstream, auto-tuned tween pop he’s been putting out and wants to go back to where it all began – just a boy, his guitar and the words in his heart.
We were lucky enough to get the first cut of the music video.
Justin becomes philosophical, getting in tune with his senses.
You know what I see Justin? In a few years I see you walking through the doors of Betty Ford after your fourth wife finally kicked you out for spending all of your child support money on nose candy. Oops did I just say that?
What can we take away from this lesson? As Justin would say, “This is Bieber’s world, you’re just living in it. Bieber or die.”
Screenshots by Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media.