I know what you tweeted last summer: Ryan Lochte

gavel2If Regina George and the events of this past weekend have taught us anything, it’s that Burn Books aren’t simply the fabricated verbal assaults of mean girls shoving their insecurities onto innocent bystanders. Rather they are the frightening, yet accurate commentaries of what is really going on in the world. Can they be a tad harsh? Maybe. But then again so is life.

Last week we played nice and merely skimmed the surface of the spiraling train wreck that is Amanda Bynes. Not even a day later, what did our Mandy go and do?  She went and got caught smoking weed in her lobby, threw her bong out of the window of her 36th floor apartment onto Times Square, subsequently got herself arrested, and then spent the night in the psych ward.

But in true Mandy fashion this was no mea culpa.

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Oh, and she picked a fight (unprovoked) with Rihanna.

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Keep doing you Mandy.

So where do you go after attacking the queen of disaster herself? Well, in the spirit of Memorial Day why not move on to none other than a true American hero. No people I’m not that much of a b*@ch that I would go after the men and women serving our country. I do have a heart. No, I’m talking about another American hero. One who brings smiles to young girls’ faces, butterflies to single women’s stomachs, and pride to American sport fanatics.

I’m talking about Ryan Lochte.

So Ryan, last August you swam for team USA at the 2012 London Olympics, bringing home five medals -- two gold, two silver and a bronze. Man, did you look good in that tight, revealing speedo. You had me swooning over you. I watched you as you flashed that dimpled smile, as you horsed around with your teammates on the pool deck, as you flexed your muscles on the starting block all determined and focused before the race, and later as you celebrated your victories, coming out of the pool all chiseled and dripping wet.

And then you had to go and open your mouth. God, I knew it was too good to be true.

During your interviews I cringed in my seat until I had to turn the channel because my body couldn’t take it anymore. You then went and filmed a reality show that is so mortifying I haven’t been able to make it past the trailers onto a full episode. But nothing, I repeat nothing, is worse than your tweets. I actually think I  lost a few IQ points just from reading them. Why? Just why?

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Now if you would just listen to your own advice we would all be much happier. Don’t speak, just smile.

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Oh Ryan, leave the  spelling to Merriam-Webster. Seriously, just listen to me, all you have to do is stand there and look pretty.

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Now Ryan, didn’t your mother ever tell you the famous rule, only use words you can spell?

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Interesting. What a novel idea! Now is this something you learned in AP Physics?

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For a split second you probably thought to yourself, “I was right! Ryan isn’t just some dumb jock who does nothing but watch ESPN and stare at himself in the mirror. He really does have some depth to him.”

You probably even just screenshotted this tweet and sent it to your cynical friend, showing her how he is a deep, literature buff who reads famed philosophers like Aristotle. I’m sorry to disappoint all of you Juliets out there thinking you finally found your true Romeo. Ryan just watched Step Up 3D.

 

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Yeah, not really a thing people say. Yeah….just, no.

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Um…thank you?

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Oh is that what we’re doing here? Well yes, you are very frequently (more often than you should be) incomprehensible. Now Ryan, there is something I’ve been trying to subtly tell you but I think you’re ready to hear it directly:

You’re very pretty, but you’re not very bright. Oh, I’m so glad we had this talk.

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Well, you’ve finally done it Ryan. You’ve actually managed to render me speechless. Bravo, my friend, bravo.

God bless you Ryan Lochte and God bless America. With people like you, she sure needs it.

Screenshots by Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media. 

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