I know what you tweeted last summer: Amanda Bynes

"Twitter provides us with a wonderful platform to discuss/confront societal problems. We trend Justin Bieber instead." 

Now that I am finally home and suddenly find myself with an inordinate amount of time to do absolutely nothing with, I have decided to spend my first post-teen summer in a more adult fashion, by picking up some classic books. As opposed to turning on the news and becoming more informed on what is going on in the world. So I sat down and made a list of all the literary areas that I need to cover and made the acceptable, adult choice for each:

  1. The mature young-adult read that coincides with the current popculture: F Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns).
  2. On becoming a stronger, more independent young woman: Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique Betcheslovethis.com.
  3. Round-the-clock news coverage: CNN Twitter.
  4. Cultural facts and phenomenons: The Huffington Post BuzzFeed.
  5. For everything and anything: The New York Times (yes, I cannot lie, I do read this every day).

Now after only 10 days of living in this new, sophisticated world I have learned some valuable lessons. One, the ‘90s were truly the superior decade. Two, I can honestly say now that I am happy I did not go to a school with sororities because those girls can be [email protected]#$%!* crazy! And lastly, give celebrities a smart phone and 140 characters and they turn into some of the most narcissistic and truly moronic people I have ever come across.

I mean this is real…

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

And don’t even get me started with the Kardashian-Jenner clan and their tweets because I could go on for days.

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

However, some celebrities do occasionally use their Twitter accounts for the common good.

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

I rest my case.

Upon these groundbreaking revelations, I have decided to spend the summer examining the root of the cancer that is slowing diminishing the ‘Millennial’ generation’s IQ: celebrity twitter accounts. Think of this blog as a burn book for celebrity tweets.

Now there is no better place to start but with the twitter account of the biggest celebrity train wreck of the moment: Amanda Bynes.

Oh Amanda, how could you have messed this up? You first stole our hearts when you graced us with your comedic talent on All That.  You solidified your place in tween-pop history with your performance in She’s the Man. It was all there right in front of you for the taking on a silver platter and you just threw it away.

gavel4Instead you somehow went from being the bubbly and charming star of the iconic Amanda Show and spiraled way down into some dark place, so far down that you now aim to look like the stripper Blac Chyna.

Over the past few months, with a series of strange tweets and  shocking appearance transformations -- shaving half of her head and double piercing her cheeks -- Amanda has created headlines and raised eyebrows all over the country (Lindsay Lohan thanks you, Amanda). We are all left to ask ourselves this question: Is this girl high off of some serious drugs or has she just gone crazy?

Perhaps the only way one can begin to understand Amanda’s recent erratic behavior is by going back to her Twitter, and this time turn away from all sense of reason and try to see the world through her eyes. Maybe this girl is on to something…

Amanda thinks that your family and friends don’t know what’s best for you and are really only after your fame. Therefore she knows to turn to the only trusted source in this deceiving and manipulative world, Twitter. Clearly this girl is way ahead of the game.

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

In Amanda’s world, the only acceptable way for a true star to step out in broad daylight is by dressing in the understated, yet chic sweatsuit combination (obviously only the bottoms WITH the elastic still in the ankles) paired with gym socks underneath the vintage Adidas “sliders” to put her own twist on the “retro Sporty Spice” look.

Even more importantly, Amanda understands that true fans aren’t going to just come up to you on the street. The star is the one who must approach the admirer and further coerce he or she into take a picture with her in exchange for $20. A publicist’s dream.

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Amanda understands how important it is for one to get in touch with his or her inner spirit animal. In Amanda’s case: the wholesome cat.

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Amanda knows the secret to the art in photographing the true essence of her beauty. Come on, Annie Leibovitz can’t even capture moments like these.

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Amanda understands that the best crisis PR defense is to simply ignore the media powerhouses, like the LA Times and E!, who claim that her erratic behavior is due to drug use. Instead it’s better to “sweat the small stuff” by going after those pesky tween bloggers who attack her irrelevant adolescent accomplishments.

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Amanda understands that the most vicious and chilling threats are not physical ones but rather those done with repercussions in the cyber world.

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Probably Amanda’s strongest trait is her ability to see the irrationality of America’s legal system. You’re absolutely right, Amanda, our police officers are the lowest of the low, the dregs of our society and probably use defective breathalyzers. Even better is that she realizes how much free time President Obama has on his hands.

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Courtesy of Katie Tolkowsky/Gavel Media

Amanda, my friend, after seeing the world through your eyes you have either A) either officially lost your mind and are a few more tweets from being dragged to rehab or B) a pure genius who has cracked the code to succeeding in our society. It’s truly a close call.

Gavel ad

Comments