My dearest darling Ben,
I am writing to convey my deepest apologies. You were robbed. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it.
You absolutely should have been nominated for Best Director at the Oscars this year.
You produced, directed AND starred in Argo – which is two more things than any of the other best director nominees did. This is not the only reason why you’re completely and utterly perfect. Oh, no. There are many more.
For example, you’re incredibly funny and down-to-Earth. Remember that time you made a “We Are the World”-esque music video about doing the nasty with Jimmy Kimmel? You crack me up, babe.
You also hail from the great city of Boston. I just so happen to be attending college in Boston. It’s like we’re practically soul mates. Matt Damon – aka your best friend – is also from Boston and happens to be another one of my favorite celebrity men. Look at how much we have in common!
Then there’s the fact that you just so happen to be ridiculously handsome. Those smoldering eyes, that little chin dimple…I could go on for days! I’m really not a huge fan of facial hair (I prefer you clean-shaven or with just a light layer of scruff), but you proved me wrong by completely pulling off that beard at the Oscars. With your dapper tux and charming smile, that beard ended up being the perfect sexy, rugged accessory. I would eat my left shoe to trade places with that beard if it meant I could be that close to your flawless face.
And of course, there’s your picture perfect family. Jennifer Garner is one of the most gorgeous women I have ever laid my eyes on. But the two of you as husband and wife? I’m fairly certain little cherubs danced around your heads at your wedding, rejoicing in the idea of two such unparalleled beauties joining their hotness with love.
And let’s not forget your adorable children. In every picture I’ve seen, you look like the most perfect father to your little bundles of joy, and I can’t help but squeal when I imagine how cute you must be with them. Not to mention the way they write little inspirational “good luck” notes on your hands before awards shows is so precious that it makes my heart explode.
Now back to the Oscars. So you didn’t get nominated for best director. Silly, silly Academy. Did they even see Argo? If they had, they certainly would have made sure that you were recognized for your stroke of genius as director of this fantastic film. I mean, just ask the people at the Golden Globes how they feel about your directing abilities.
Now, Argo did not walk away empty-handed at this year’s Oscars. The film received awards for Film Editing and Writing: Best Adapted Screenplay. Oh yeah, there’s one other award I forgot to mention.
BEST PICTURE OF THE YEAR!!!
That’s right, Ben. Bask in your glory. You showed them! What better way to get back at the Academy for snubbing you on the Best Director nomination than by winning the biggest award of the night?
Can we also take a second to acknowledge your amazing speech? You knew you were pressed for time since the show was running a gajillion hours too long, but that didn’t stop you from getting in every word you wanted to say. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone speed-talk that fast in my life. Also, your stream-of-consciousness rambling about how you usually don’t associate your wife with Iran was super cute. I didn't think it was possible to love you any more than I already did but you keep proving me wrong.
Finally, the way you closed your speech was so perfectly inspirational. “It doesn’t matter how you get knocked down in life. All that matters is that you’ve got to get up.” Preach, my darling, preach!
Sincerely yours forever and always,