That’s me. And my five roommates. If you don't know which one I am, let’s just say I’m the good-looking one.
As a Strip Mod resident, it’s my obligation to the BC community to keep myself in peak physical condition at the expense of my grades, my sleep and even a few friendships with people who couldn’t possibly understand the weight on my ridiculously broad shoulders.
About halfway through February every year, the rest of campus tries to adopt the Strip Mod lifestyle before flying off the Punta Cana or Cancun or wherever else North Face jackets can’t cover up beautifully toned bodies. While my roommates and I certainly admire the incredible dedication it takes ordinary BC students to go the Plex five times a week, two whole weeks in a row, it would be wrong of us not to point out what the vast majority of you wannabe Mark Wahlbergs are doing wrong and share the secrets of how to do it right.
Anyway, without further ado, I present to you:
The Spring Break Body Plan by Strip Mod
(It’s a lot like this video except way less sexist. And without Anna Nicole Smith.)
10. Stop eating fried food. And beef. And pork. In fact, don’t eat anything besides grilled chicken breast. Three breasts per meal, five meals a day. And get used to the taste of Muscle Milk, because that’s all you drink now. Yeah the spring break diet isn’t delicious, but you know what is delicious? Six-pack abs.
9. Stop drinking. Do you know how many calories are in a beer? Multiple. That’s at least two too many.
8. Sleep nine hours a night. I know what you’re saying: “I don’t even have time for eight hours!” That’s puny-boy talk. Your body needs at least eight hours of sleep to reach its full physical potential. But personally, reaching my own potential doesn’t satisfy me. I have to work harder. So I sleep harder.
7. Don’t just take the stairs – sprint up and down them. Not only will this help get you in shape, it will intimidate your peers and keep them from even thinking about getting in your way at the Plex. And if for some fool reason you are required to interrupt your workout to make an appearance in class, don’t worry – simply sit with your feet off the floor the whole time for the best lecture your abs have ever had.
6. Listen to a lot of 50 Cent.
Skip to 1:33. Listen to Eminem’s verse. How can 50 top that verse? Keep listening. Four words. “I’ll break your face.” Doesn’t even rhyme with anything. Doesn’t matter. This is how you approach your workout. No frills. Ruthless. Anyone watching should find it both hilarious and terrifying.
5. Play copious amounts of FIFA. Even when you’re not at the Plex, you need to keep the athletic part of your brain stimulated. Do you know how many calories the brain burns? Almost as many as the thumb. Put simply, if you want to look like Cristiano Ronaldo, you need to be Cristiano Ronaldo.
4. Watch the Pain & Gain trailer over and over.
“That’s it. It’s good. It hurts. I know it does. That’s it. Get it.”
3. Use every machine at the Plex every day. This will take roughly seven hours if you’re not a wimp. Homework will still be there after spring break. And even if it won’t, your swollen muscles will be. Remember: real men can bench their GPA.
2. Tell everyone you know that you use every machine in the Plex every day. Can I be real, son? Really real? Talking about it matters even more than actually working out. The most important part of looking good is feeling like you’re looking good. Keep your confidence up. Plus, everyone genuinely wants to know whether you did back then legs or the other way around.
1. Stop caring.
“First things first, I Poppa, freaks all the honeys.”
Look at Biggie. Look at him. Does he look sexy? No. But is he sexy? He freaks dummies, Playboy bunnies and those wantin’ money. Duh.
So how does he pull it off? Yeah, he’s rich and famous and obscenely talented. But more importantly, he has tremendous swag. He has more swag than you, he has more swag than me, he has more swag than everyone who lives in the Mods put together. He has so much swag that he’s been dead for over 15 years and he’s still the beacon of swag for the alleged King of Swag in the 21st century.
The lesson you need to learn from Biggie is that the key to being the man is simply convincing yourself that you are the man. Nobody taught Biggie how to rap. Nobody taught Biggie how to marry Faith Evans. And absolutely nobody taught him how to do P90X.
Didn’t matter. Biggie, no matter how irrational it may have been, knew for a fact that he was the man and his conviction was so strong that it was contagious. Besides 2Pac and his minions, literally no one in the world has even ever said a bad thing about the guy.
What’s the point? The point is that the key to not only feeling sexy, but actually being sexy, is confidence. You can follow those first nine steps as literally as humanly possible, but it’s all worth nothing if you don’t treat the beach like the backyard of your own Mod.
After all, it takes four weeks for you to see a change in your body, eight weeks for your friends, and 12 weeks for the rest of the world. I’m not saying to quit working out, but if you’re trying to sculpt a six-pack before March 1, forget it. Get on your Biggie swag and prepare for a week of mayhem with a bunch of people who honestly don’t even care how you look. Basically, just live life like this guy:
Plus, it’s not like anyone’s going to be taping you stripping down to your underwear anyway.
Peace out from Strip Mod.
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