“We were in this together, and then you were gone. Now this evil... rises. The Batman has to come back.”
– Jim Gordon, The Dark Knight Rises
It’s been a long time since I wrote one of these. Or these. In fact, after the crowning of the new Late Night Anthem, I thought my work here was done. Much like Bruce Wayne abandoning the Batsuit after the Joker’s capture, I believed Late Night to have finally reached a peaceful equilibrium of fried indulgent goodness.
How wrong I was. A new threat has risen. Last Thursday night, I saw terrible things that finally convinced me that the time of laissez-faire Late Night needs to end. A set of rules must be established and enforced so that the peaceful, law-abiding citizens of Lower Live can order their chicken fingers free from the tyranny of renegades who terrorize our community with their destructive behavior and incoherent ramblings:
I refer of course not to Bane, but to the disgustingly drunk kids who come into Late Night on the weekend and ruin it for everyone else. Now don’t get it twisted – I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with capping off a night out at Mary Ann’s or Cityside with a nice buffalo chicken wrap and a side of fries.
However, as others before me have pointed out, coming in with your buddies and treating Corcoran Commons like the hotel room from The Hangover has never and will never be acceptable behavior from anyone, and especially from “men and women for others.” So in the spirit of bringing law to the lawless in the style of the greatest fat rapper of all time’s famous record, I humbly propose:
THE 10 LATE NIGHT COMMANDMENTS
1. Thou shalt not order $25 worth of food and say, “I swear it’s not just for me.” Late Night is a judgment-free zone. But this line is usually a harbinger of sloppiness to come.
2. Thou shalt not say “Mod sticks.” Unless you actually live in a Mod, in which case it’s cool. But since the Mods don't come with a meal plan, this phrase usually screams "Mod-crasher." And Mod-crashers ain't got no humanity. Anyone who's ever registered a party and dealt with them can back me up.
3. Thou shalt not reach your hands into the food like you’re a 6-year-old. Think of everything your hands touched when you went out to the bar earlier. Now think of how many other people were also there. Multiply those numbers, add in some estimate of how dirty Mary Ann’s is, and you have a rough estimate of how disgusting it is to stick your hand into the serving trays.
4. Thou shalt not stare at the F’Real machine for 10 straight minutes like you just spent the whole night chilling in Wiz Khalifa’s tour bus. As awesome as the animations are, getting your zombie on kind of creeps everybody out.
5. Thou shalt not ask your friends “what do I want?” First of all, how would they know? And second of all, after just spending five minutes in line with literally nothing else to think about, how do you expect anyone to think you have a functioning brain after asking this question?
6. Thou shalt not leave a mess on the table like an animal. Because your fellow Eagles have to eat at that table after you. Because the employees, who are also your fellow Eagles, have to stay later at no extra pay to clean it up. But mostly because it would disappoint your mother.
7. Thou shalt not come in drunk before midnight. If you’re having a bad night and head home early, all your friends will forget about it in a week. If you’re having a bad night and come into Late Night early when everyone else who’s there is stone cold sober, you will forever be “that guy.” Don't be that guy.
8. Thou shalt not come in at 1:55 and flip out when there’s no honey mustard. You love honey mustard. I love honey mustard. Everyone with a set of taste buds and a soul loves honey mustard. But you can’t let your insatiable thirst for this most excellent of condiments drive you to acting like a jerk when literally hundreds of people who also wanted honey mustard come in and take all of it before you can.
9. Thou shalt not run into Late Night and keep ordering food to escape the cab driver you just stiffed. Yeah, it happens.
10. Thou shalt not pass out at Late Night. The most important Commandment – it also includes not breaking stuff at Late Night, not throwing food around the dining area at Late Night, not starting a drunken brawl at Late Night, and basically any other type of behavior that gets the cops and an ambulance called into Late Night. Basically, if you’re questioning whether you’re in the right state to go to Late Night, or your friends are telling you that you’re too drunk to go to Late Night, please: DON’T GO TO LATE NIGHT. You make the rest of us feel like this:
Peace out from
Gotham Wrap City. May we all make it a better place.
Follow Robert Rossi on Twitter @RVRossi