Dear Kim Kardashian’s Fetus,
I should probably start by telling you that I tried to nip your parents’ relationship in the bud when it started. Fortunately for you, your father didn’t listen when I advised him to dump your mom.
I should also probably be upfront about the fact that when I realize that this is real life and not something that will go away in 72 days, I sort of want to vomit. That may be partially because today is New Year’s Day, but I digress.
I’m sure you’ll be adorable, but this adorableness might just bring about your demise. You see, your mother’s entire family has made a living off of being vapid humans who are (more or less) aesthetically pleasing. I can only hope that you will break this pattern.
On the flip side, there’s your father. Even though the population at large considers him to be just a little bit on the cocky side, there’s no denying that he has real talent. It wouldn’t be the worst thing for you to take after him creatively.
Looks and talent are all fine and dandy, but your ego is where I fear you will turn into a literal monster. I’m no expert on genetics, but I’m fairly certain that being raised by the two most self-absorbed humans in the entire world will turn you into an egomaniac who cannot comprehend that the world doesn’t revolve around him or her. Prove me wrong, I beg you.
The way I see it, there are three directions that your future lifestyle can take you:
1. The Violet Beauregarde Route
Violet was the typical spoiled brat who simply couldn’t take “no” for an answer. Just remember: you may think that the rules don’t apply to you, but one wrong move and you could turn into a giant blueberry that the Oompa Loompas need to roll into the juicing room.
2. The Lindsay Lohan Route
It’s the classic story of child stardom. One day, you’re the cute girl from The Parent Trap. The next, you’re blowing all your money on drugs, alcohol and lawyer fees. You will have no control over your reality TV appearances as a baby, but as soon as you are able to formulate sentences, repeat after me: “Get that camera out of my face.”
3. The Will Smith/Ashley Banks Route
As the fresh prince — and princess — of Bel Air, these two have every reason to be spoiled and stuck up beyond repair. Instead, they just really like to dance. This is the lifestyle, and wardrobe, that you should be aiming for.
If all else fails, you can always fall back on legal emancipation. If you need to provide the judge with evidence that your parents are unfit to raise you, there are 7 seasons of Keeping Up with the Kardashians that will send the message loud and clear.