“Gossip Girl” Episode 9: The Revengers

OH. MY. GOSSIP GIRL.

This episode might be one of the craziest to date. All of the characters come together with the same intention: to take down Bart Bass once and for all.

Chuck and Blair are well on their way to cracking Bart now that Lily has given them the necessary blackmail, but Chuck does not want to go through with any plans before he can ensure that Bart will never find out and Lily will not be endangered. Blair comes up with a plan to coax Ivy out of hiding so she can pretend that she was the one who gave Chuck the files.

Nate tells Bart that he has swiped Chuck’s phone like he asked but could not find any useful information other than multiple calls to Ivy. Bart quickly realizes that Nate is serving as a double agent and has him arrested. So far the war against Bart isn’t going too smoothly. While in jail, Nate is visited by Sage and his father. His dad tells him that he just needs to explain himself and he will be able to pay off his debt and avoid further scandal. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t know if it’s really the best idea to take advice from a man who got locked up for embezzlement and fraud.

Here’s where Bart takes it from “selfish, scheming, weasel” to “absolute freaking psychopath.” He intercepts Blair’s limo and uses her as bait to lure Chuck to him. He issues Chuck an ultimatum: stay in the city and risk endangering everyone he loves, or move to Moscow and never return. Of all the places he could’ve chosen, what on earth possessed him to pick Moscow?

Either way, Chuck is afraid that he has no other choice because he is terrified of what might happen to Blair if he stays, so he agrees to get on the plane that Bart has arranged for him. Blair rushes to stop him but he claims that this is the only thing he can do and she has to let him go. Before he leaves, Blair has one last request for a passionate kiss that was so hot and full of chemistry, I could hear the faint sound of the hearts of every girl in the world beating 10 times faster.

Meanwhile, Dan is taking the “Lonely Boy” moniker to a whole new level now that literally everyone hates his guts. He runs to the only person who supports his vicious new personality, Bart Bass. He opens up to Bart about how he originally intended to fool Serena into falling in love with him so that he could publish the ultimate exposé, but in the process he realized that he still has strong feelings for her. Bart says tough luck because Serena is planning on moving to L.A. That’s it Serena, run away again. That worked out pretty well the other four or five times you did it.

Blair is livid about Chuck’s exile and vows to continue his war for him. She rounds up Serena, Ivy, Sage and Georgina to form her take-down team. They’re kind of like Charlie’s Angels but with much more style and fewer roundhouse kicks.

Since there seem to be galas every other day on the Upper East Side, the girls dress to kill and set their plan in motion. This scene is a total throwback to classic, first season “Gossip Girl” antics and it is so awesome. First, Serena tells Bart how sorry Lily is that she couldn’t attend the gala, and he should show her the slideshow that is playing on the projector when she comes back. That’s when he sees the picture of him shadily sneaking around which was definitely not supposed to be projected up on the big screen.

Girls: 1, Bart: 0.

Next, Georgina tells Bart how wonderful the gala is and that the programs came out so well. When she hands him a program, he discovers that donations are listed from Lady Alexander, the horse he killed a while back. You can see the nervous sweat starting to form on his very large forehead. Girls: 2, Bart: still 0. Ivy swoops in pretending to be a waitress and offers Bart an envelope that supposedly contains the microfilm. But is that the real microfilm or is it a copy? Or is it in one of the other five identical envelopes she is holding? Dear Bart, the girls have sunk your battleship.

Don’t celebrate so fast, though; Bart is always one step ahead of the competition. A news broadcast pops up on a conveniently-placed TV reporting that a Bass Industries plane headed to Moscow has completely dropped off the radar and cannot be located. How heartless do you have to be to send your own son to his death?! Bart is clearly not a force that can be stopped.

Nate (who somehow managed to get out of jail?) and his father interrupt the action for a second to ask Bart to take his name off of “The Spectator” once they are able to pay off the debt. Bart says no. Nate is sad. Later on, Sage tells Nate that he still has a chance to do something important with his life and that he should pick back up where he left off on his mission to reveal Gossip Girl’s identity.

Dan is supposed to give a lovely profile of Bart and introduce him to the crowd at the gala, but when he steps up to the podium he introduces “the center of the Bass family, and a personal inspiration” to him: Chuck Bass. That’s right. Chuck is ALIVE. How’s that for a plot twist? Judging by the look on Bart’s face, this was definitely not supposed to happen. Chuck takes the mic and announces that his father is a wretched slimeball of a man who tried to have his own son killed.

Following the grand reveal, Dan rushes to Serena’s apartment to try to convince her that he loves her and she should stay in New York. She says she’s done hearing his lies and gets in the cab to leave for the airport. Before the bellboy can put her luggage in the trunk, Dan sneaks the real chapter about how much he loves Serena into her bag.

After being taken away by security, Chuck is met by his father on the roof. They get into a heated argument about what makes a true man and how Bart is the worst kind of person ever. Cue the unfortunately cheesy background music. In a Star Wars-esque moment, the fighting escalates to punching and shoving. The writers clearly missed a perfect opportunity to channel some Darth Vader and slip in “Chuck…I am your father!”

Chuck shoves Bart harder and in one second he goes from standing on the roof to hanging from a railing over the edge. Blair runs up the stairs in time to see Bart holding on for dear life, begging for Chuck to help him. Chuck doesn’t move and Bart falls, Mufasa-style, to his death.

There are SO many questions to answer in next week’s finale. The biggest one right now is whether or not Bart is really dead. He’s faked his death successfully before so who’s to say that this isn’t the same situation all over again? What’s going to happen to Chuck and Blair? Will Serena forgive Dan? Now that Nate is on the hunt again will we finally find out who Gossip Girl is? Most importantly, how will I survive the rest of my life now that next week’s episode is the last one ever?

Tune in next Monday for the SERIES FINALE at 9 p.m. on the CW!

XOXO, Gossip Girl.

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