A few episodes back I said that nothing on "Gossip Girl" could possibly get any more disgusting than the relationship between Ivy and Rufus. I was wrong. I was so wrong.
After destroying Chuck’s apartment in search of the hidden oil documents, Bart comes face-to-face with his son and Ivy. Ivy explains that she has the documents and refuses to give them up unless they both help her take down Lily. After blackmailing like a champ, she walks down the hallway and into the grossest of gross storylines.
Ivy reveals that she has been playing Rufus all along – like we didn’t see that one coming? – and instead is really in love with William van der Woodsen. Yep, that’s Serena’s real father, played by the lesser of the Baldwin brothers who isn’t on "30 Rock." What is with this daddy complex!? Make it stop, "Gossip Girl," MAKE IT STOP!
Let’s move away from that story because I still can’t think about it without feeling like I’ll lose my lunch. Serena and Dan wake up in bed together. Apparently they’ve been going at it like rabbits for days and Dan is ready to take their rekindled love public but Serena wants to make absolutely sure this is the real deal.
Serena is also desperately trying to crawl back into Blair’s life but Blair understandably wants nothing to do with her. Serena uses Blair’s favorite activity to get back on her good side: tricking people to get what she wants. She tells Blair that she can convince Sage that she and Steven have gotten back together.
Of course, this works like a charm and Sage comes running to Blair for help. Blair says that she’ll work on breaking up her father’s fake relationship so long as Sage can get all of the current high school prep queens to come to the launch of her fashion line and gush about how cute it is for the reporters. FYI: “queens” are sooo early 2000s – it’s the “mafia” now.
Bart tells Lily about Ivy’s plan and warns her against trusting Chuck. She dismisses that, saying that Chuck would never hurt her, but she calls Rufus as a precaution and asks him to help her steal the documents back from Ivy. At first he tries not to get involved, but then he sees his faux girlfriend swapping spit with not-Alec Baldwin, which causes him to absolutely flip out at Ivy and break up with her.
Poor Nate still has the worst storyline because none of the writers have any idea what to do with his character anymore. He’s still in massive amounts of debt and on the verge of losing “The Spectator” when Bart steps up to loan him the money he needs in exchange for help as he tries to stop Chuck. Nate I’m-a-Selfish-Pushover Archibald takes the money and tells Ivy that Chuck is playing her.
At Blair’s event, Sage discovers that she is also being played and that her dad and Serena have no plans of getting back together. She tries to turn the prep "mafia" against Blair, but they can’t help falling in love with her clothes anyway. If there is one lesson to be learned on "Gossip Girl" it’s that Blair is the ultimate Queen Bee and there’s no dethroning her. Side note: Serena totally upstages Blair at her own event by wearing the most gorgeous dress ever. She’s really raking in the hits with her wardrobe lately.
Ivy is so close to getting her revenge on Lily now that she has blackmailed Bart into a corner, exactly where she wants him. She asks him to strip – I SAID NO MORE OLD MEN, IVY! – but she doesn’t actually want anything to happen between them, she just plans on taking some pictures and using them as “evidence” that Bart is cheating on Lily. Chuck bursts in at exactly the right moment and stops them. All three of them discover that Rufus snatched the documents from Ivy, and Ivy scrambles to call her actual lover who won’t pick up his phone.
Chuck makes it to Lily’s in record time and tells her that the documents Rufus gave her are not something to be taken lightly and he really needs her to trust him. Of course, Lily is ignorant and awful and basically takes back all the love she’s ever shown him and says she is devoted to Bart. Then she throws the documents in the freakin’ fire. Now you’ve ruined everything Chuck has been working for. How could you?
Blair, still high on her success, goes to tell Chuck the good news. Instead of feeling happy for her, he insists on drowning his sorrows in some Scotch and wallowing in the disappointment that he now has no way of destroying his father and he has lost the only parent who has ever shown him love. Blair attempts to comfort him and says that no matter what they will always have each other.
Here comes the blow. Chuck says that since he failed his half of the deal, they can’t be together. Ever. My heart just shattered into a million tiny pieces. You have three episodes left to get back together so you’d better start fighting for him, Blair. If you don’t, my hopes that a perfect relationship is possible will be destroyed.
In happier couple news, Serena decides that she loves Dan after all and they live happily ever after. I’m not as attached to Serena and Dan’s relationship, but if my favorite couple had to be ruined, can we at least keep this one somewhat functional?
Only three episodes left! Tune in next Monday at 9 p.m. on the CW!
XOXO, Gossip Girl.