"Gossip Girl" Episode 6: Where the Vile Things Are

The matriarch has returned. Eleanor Waldorf, aka the most badass businesswoman on the Upper East Side, has come back to salvage the mess that Blair made of Waldorf Designs. She demotes Blair in two seconds flat. Eleanor also tells her daughter that she needs to get back on good terms with Women’s Wear Daily, so she invites Nelly over for lunch. Of course Blair – who is incapable of making amends with anyone – resorts to blackmail which blows up in her face when Nelly straight up tattles on her to her mommy.

No one is coming to Rufus’ art show so he and Ivy pull some strings with the piles of money she is now rolling in. Lily has put that giant painting of the rainbow lady – the one we see hanging by her stairs every episode but never really notice - up for auction. Little does she know that Bart has hidden the records of his illegal oil deals in the back of the painting. This would’ve seemed super crafty and evil villain-y of him but now it just seems really stupid in retrospect.

Serena – who is wearing a killer outfit that I’m really jealous of –  is trying desperately to flee the paparazzi who are suddenly obsessed with her after the release of her sex tape at Cotillion. Hey Serena, you might actually want to stop and consider your options. That’s how Kim Kardashian became famous and she seems to be doing pretty well. (Note: In no way do I support using sex tapes to gain fame. That was a joke. Don’t do it. Bad idea. Are we clear?) She and Dan speed off on his new vespa in search of some privacy. With his tiny Italian motorcycle and greasy hair Dan is becoming a regular European.

Chuck is still trying to destroy his father, now with the help of Nate. They discover that Bart’s records are hidden in the painting and spring into action in an effort to stop the auction and buy the painting themselves. Chuck gets stuck in traffic and gets out of the car, sprinting to the gallery for dramatic effect. When he arrives without a single bead of sweat on his perfectly coiffed head, he gets into a bidding war with Ivy and Lily. Ultimately Ivy and Rufus win and buy the painting for one million dollars because on the Upper East Side millions of dollars are carelessly thrown around like confetti. Chuck persuades Ivy to sell the painting to him for double the price but when he receives it, the envelope is missing from the back. Sneaky sneaky, Ivy. I’m not exactly sure what you plan on doing with evidence against Bart but kudos to you for being a scheme ninja.

Meanwhile, Dan and Serena get trapped in an elevator. Hasn’t this happened before? The answer is yes; yes it has. I was so ready for Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator” to start playing while they got down and dirty but, alas, no sparks fly just yet.

Blair apologizes to her mother in front of Nelly and admits that she has no talents whatsoever. She returns to the Met steps to sulk because that is the one place that allows her to feel in control again. Nelly finds her and criticizes her for being such a mean girl who peaked in high school and now has no idea what to do in her adult life. Somehow this hits a nerve with Blair and she has an epiphany. She approaches her mother about starting her own line of fashionable clothing for high school girls inspired by her own daring fashion statements from her days at Constance. A bunch of mini Queen B’s running around in plaid skirts and headbands? This idea oozes adorable.

The episode begins where the show began allllll the way back in its first season. Dan and Serena. Together. Serena offers Dan her home to stay in which of course in Serena-language means “Come have sex on my bed with me, won’t you?” Full circle!! I told you full circles made me happy! I don’t want to make any assumptions too soon but I have a feeling that this rekindling of a relationship might actually be the real deal this time. Fingers crossed!

Tune in next week at 9 p.m. on the CW! XOXO, Gossip Girl.

 

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