Episode 5 marks the halfway point of Gossip Girl’s final season, as well as the halfway point of the emotional breakdown that this series’ end is causing me to develop. Thankfully, the storyline picked up steam with most of the cast getting back to their usual scheming.
Blair is trying to salvage her name as a credible fashion designer after Sage’s runway sabotage. Temporary roomie Dan suggests that she needs to work a provocative angle in a tasteful way to get people interested again. Dan is obviously still hung up on Blair, which does not thrill Georgina in the slightest. She demands that Dan send in his book’s chapter that exposes Blair, but the lovesick puppy refuses.
Dorota enters once Blair leaves and asks “Meester Humphrey” if he knows why “Mees Blair” left without her lucky charm – Chuck’s engagement ring. I’m going to let it slide because you’re my favorite character, but come on, Dorota! Of all people you ask Dan?! Dan takes this as a sign that he still has a fighting chance and sends in his chapter about Chuck to Vanity Fair.
Chuck is still desperately trying to get Lily on his side in the crusade against his father. Ivy emerges from the shadows and offers her assistance, which turns out to be a huge step in the right direction for Chuck. She sneaks into Lily’s apartment to plant false evidence that Lily and Chuck are conspiring just in time for Bart to come home and catch her. Her con artist skills pay off yet again and she completely fools Bart into believing that she is the housekeeper’s daughter.
Serena is upset that Steven has been distant lately, so she asks Nate for advice. He jokingly mentions looking through his emails and texts, but of course Serena takes this literally. While searching though his belongings, she stumbles upon a very poorly concealed – but enormous and extremely expensive-looking – engagement ring. She does what any girl would do upon seeing something that sparkly: jumps up and down while squealing with glee. Sage catches her and quickly realizes that she must put a stop to the marriage of her father to the princess of the Upper East Side.
Back in high school – yes, there are still high school characters on this show – it’s Cotillion time. Let me just put this out there right now: I love Cotillion episodes. Every time there’s a Cotillion episode, all hell seems to break loose and it is awesome. Remember that time Nate punched Carter Baison at Cotillion in Season 1? This time around it’s Sage’s turn, yet somehow everyone else ends up there too because the Upper East Side is eternally stuck in a Groundhog Day of high school drama.
Sage has agreed to wear one of Blair’s designs to Cotillion in exchange for help with the takedown of her father’s proposal. Together they stage a false Gossip Girl blast that shows Steven returning the engagement ring (which is really just one of Sage’s rings), and they send Serena a fake text from Steven’s phone uninviting her to Cotillion. The plan works at first, until Steven assures Serena that he still has every intention of marrying her. This doesn’t go over so well with Lily, who is probably still a little creeped out that she slept with her daughter’s boyfriend. Can you blame her? Serena explodes at her mother for ruining every relationship she has ever had and storms off.
Bart confronts Lily about her secret meetings, and they soon realize that Chuck has planted false evidence behind her back. She is extremely disappointed in Chuck and takes Bart’s side, leaving her stepson back at square one.
Georgina is annoyed that Dan keeps stalling the Blair chapter and threatens to expose his sex tape with Serena if he waits any longer. Sage uses her super-sonic bat sonar to overhear this from across the entire ballroom (seriously?), and decides to swipe Georgina’s phone when she’s not looking. Since her previous plan to destroy Serena’s relationship failed, she projects the sex tape on a huge screen behind her as she walks down the Cotillion runway in Blair’s dress. This girl – who basically came out of nowhere – just took down Serena, Blair, and Dan in one shot! She is good.
Steven freaks out and breaks it off with Serena because she’s too immature and reckless. Really? It took that long to figure that out? Blair slaps Dan across the face, enraged that he would do something so awful while he was still dating her. If we take another look at the scoreboard I’m pretty sure Dan has hit negative points and Chuck is at roughly a billion. Blair then confronts Serena about her inability to let Blair be happy and her compulsive need to steal everything that belongs to her. For those of you wondering what rock bottom looks like, its name is Serena Van der Woodsen.
All hope isn’t quite lost, as Dan comes to Serena’s rescue and offers his friendship and a shoulder to cry on over some burgers and fries. Could this be the rekindling of the romance that started them all? I really hope so because I can’t deal with Serena’s daddy complex and Dan’s pointless obsession with Blair for much longer. A Derena reunion would be such a full circle ending, and I’m a huge sucker for full circles.
Tune in next week at 9 p.m. on the CW to watch the drama as it continues to unfold! XOXO, Gossip Girl.