"Gossip Girl" Episode 4: Portrait of a Lady Alexander

And the award for most boring and pointless episode of “Gossip Girl” ever goes to…Episode 4!

Actually, boring is a bit of an understatement. I think the word snoozefest is more appropriate. I’m assuming the writers needed an extra week to think of some really juicy plot points, because this episode was just as confusing as it was unnecessary.

Serena and Steven decide that it would be a great idea to play the game that the cast of Jersey Shore played once where they make a list of all of their friends and connect the ones who have hooked up with each other. Steven suggests the idea after discovering that Serena used to do the deed with his daughter’s new boyfriend. Ew.

Unfortunately for Serena, Steven may have held back on a few details because she later finds out that one of his previous hanky-panky partners was none other than her own mother. Ewww. Honestly I’m getting really sick of these ridiculously inappropriate and incestuous relationships. Does no one realize that there is literally an entire city full of people they haven’t met yet for them to date? I think the entire cast of “Gossip Girl” should be declared honorary members of House Lannister.

Poor Dan is feeling a little left out of the Upper East Side orgy and tries to satiate his desires with some random girls. Being the hopeless romantic that he is, this continues to dissatisfy him and he asks Georgina to be his own personal Match.com. She gets a little jealous and takes this as the perfect opportunity to steal the sex tape that Serena secretly made of herself and Dan.

Nate – aka the boy with no storyline – is desperately seeking attention, so he publishes scandalous stories about Lily in The Spectator, which she lets roll off her back because she’s more mature than that. Maybe it actually is appropriate that Nate is dating a high schooler because he’s acting like a 14-year-old who reads his sister’s diary out loud to his friends. When that doesn’t generate enough buzz, he decides the logical choice is to doctor his earnings reports. Bad Nate! You’re grounded for a month!

Chuck and Blair are still role-playing as Sherlock Holmes and Watson as they try to take down Bart. A twisted trail of leads and some sleuthing leads them to a horse show where they find out that Bart once bought a horse from a family there, which they think is useful information in gaining more clues. Bart pulls a Slenderman and – as per usual – shows up at the perfect moment in the creepiest way possible. The girl who once owned the horse is all excited to see her Uncle Bart again…wait what? See how confusing this is?

Luckily, Blair is able to get the last word in and convinces the girl that Bart did not protect the horse and probably sold it to someone with less kind intentions. The girl comes back to Chuck at the end of the episode and drops a bombshell (Finally! This episode was lacking action!). Bart illegally invested in Sudanese oil with the help of her father, which is super duper illegal.

So here’s where everyone stands at the end of the episode: Serena and Steven get over their weird incestuous connection by sleeping with each other. Seems logical. Blair and Chuck are that much closer to sending Bart to jail and being with each other once and for all.

Bart still has some damage to do as he now knows that Nate has doctored his financial records. He also issues an ultimatum to Lily – him or Chuck – but Lily redeems her otherwise awful self by refusing to abandon Chuck since he has no other parent to care about him. Finally, Lonely Boy temporarily crashes at Blair’s house because “he needs a friend to be there for him.” I swear to god if they bring back the Dan/Blair relationship I’ll start throwing rocks at the TV. Dear writers, tearing apart Chuck and Blair would ruin the only good thing left in this downward spiral of a season. Don’t do it.

Let’s hope next week’s episode is much juicier. There are only six left, after all, so I have a feeling that things are bound to start going crazy any minute now.

Tune in next episode, which airs Monday at 9 p.m. on the CW! XOXO, Gossip Girl.

 

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