Before I start this blog, everyone can breathe a huge sigh of relief since this week’s episode did not feature any more of the disgusting Ivy/Rufus “I’m-hot-for-my-friend’s-daddy” sex. Now that I don’t need to wash my eyes out with bleach again, let’s begin.
Episode 2, “High Infidelity,” begins by highlighting all of the happy Upper East Side couples. There’s Serena and her ancient boyfriend, Nate and some random girl who was reporting at The Spectator last week (poor Nate is apparently really desperate for some action), and Dan and Georgina. Well, those two aren’t actually in bed together – Georgina is just creeping hard on the side of Dan’s bed waiting for him to wake up…did I mention she’s still kind of crazy? And then there is Blair, who is Chuck-less yet again.
Blair is stressing out over an interview she has scheduled with Women’s Wear Daily now that she is in charge of her mom’s line. To add to her anxiety, her mother’s entire Paris team decides to bail on her at the last minute. The queen of scheme takes matters into her own hands by hiring her loyal minions to pose as a fake team of designers and seamstresses.
For an added pinch of drama, Nelly – a former minion who took Blair’s spot at Yale – shows up. Blair is under the impression that Nelly has come to apologize and immediately begins talking down to her, only to realize that Nelly is the reporter from WWD. Whoops. As if this catastrophe wasn’t going poorly enough already, Nelly informs Blair that Poppy Lifton (remember her?) has created an identical line using the same fabric and is also going to be featured in the WWD article. This is clearly unacceptable to Blair. Scheming ensues.
Dan and Georgina are running around New York in a desperate attempt to get Dan’s book picked up by a publisher. Everyone they talk to loves the idea, but is hesitant about Dan’s choice to use real names and suggests that he make a few changes to avoid libel cases. Being the moody hipster that he is, Dan won’t have his masterpiece changed and proceeds to sulk for a while.
Meanwhile, Serena remembers that she has friends who aren’t 40 years old and goes on a walk with Nate to catch up. As they exchange happy stories about their love lives, they notice Serena’s boyfriend Stephen hanging out with Nate’s new girlfriend Parsley Cilantro Sage. Both of them immediately jump to the conclusion that their respective others are cheating on them and decide not to bother asking them about it before completely freaking out.
Nate calls Sage and leaves her a breakup voicemail like the middle-schooler he is, but stupidly mentions where he plans on being later since he can’t go 5 minutes without talking about himself. Serena stalls her breakup for a while because her selfish mother tells her that she needs to look happy and in love at a gala later that night.
Speaking of Lily, she unearths the truth about Bart’s affair with the translator from Dubai – which apparently still isn’t the big secret – and Bart threatens the translator and orders her to leave. He proceeds to do so before buying a super sparkly, expensive necklace for Lily to “make up for” his indiscretion. What a class act you are, Bart. Chuck and his atrocious new haircut are still trying to figure out the truth about his father’s fake death, which doesn’t seem to be going so well since Bart opens Chuck’s safe and pays the translator off for good.
We later arrive at the gala where Serena looks stunning as per usual, and Blair has brought back the headband as her statement piece a la Season 1. Gotta love when things come full circle. By the way, Blair was not invited due to her fight with Serena, but she comes anyways to get back on Nelly’s good side before the interview.
Poppy is supposed to premiere her line at the gala, but Blair ensures that this won’t happen by having her minions steal all of Poppy’s pieces, leaving a bunch of models running around NYC in their underwear. Of course, this plan doesn’t work out the way she planned – shocker – and Poppy shows up to explain that she didn’t sabotage Blair’s line at all, they just have really similar taste in fabrics. Blair tries to apologize, but Nelly ignores her and decides to write a whole article on Poppy and exclude Blair’s line.
Serena is busy pretending to like her cheating boyfriend when she spots Sage crashing the gala. Nate doesn’t take kindly to this and confronts Sage, who is attempting to explain herself right as Stephen and Serena walk in on them. Serena and Nate get angry at their respective boyfriend and girlfriend for cheating with each other, but Stephen doesn’t notice because he’s too busy freaking out about Sage dating Nate. When Nate tries to argue that he had her first, Stephen straight up punches him in his pretty face. Serena yells at Stephen for defending “that slut” – nice one, Serena! – but Stephen drops a bomb and reveals that Sage is his 17-year-old daughter.
Let’s recap: Serena’s dating a man with a child close to her age and Nate is sleeping with a high-schooler. If we count Rufus and Ivy, we now have the Holy Trinity of inappropriate relationships.
Chuck is distressed that his translator friend has left, but he discovers that she left him a little present: a picture of the man that she and Bart were with the weekend of their affair.
Dan is still moody, but Nelly tells him to get over himself because he is a loser at heart and he can use that, just like she did, to dethrone the king and queen bees of the Upper East Side once and for all. He decides to accept Nate’s offer to publish his book in The Spectator so that he can keep all of the names exposed.
Back at Blair’s, she wakes up the next morning to find that Dorota has scrounged up a team of seamstresses to help Blair create a new line in 10 days. What better way to wrap up an episode than with everyone’s favorite housekeeper saving the day?
Stephen completely embarrasses his daughter by walking her to school with Serena (who is nowhere near old enough to pass as Sage's mother). Sage is none too thrilled about his father’s trophy girlfriend and decides that it’s her new mission to get rid of Serena. Ooooh, how psychotically ominous!
Tune in next Monday at 9 p.m. on the CW! You know you love me, XOXO.