Opinion: Adam Sandler, please stop making movies

It’s hard to part ways with your favorite movie stars. Unfortunately, I’m speaking from experience. I grew up adoring Adam Sandler, just as any bright-eyed and happy child of the 90's should. But it’s recently hit me that the Sandler Legacy has reached an apocalypse. Well, I suppose everything must die eventually.

Celebrities often don’t know when to call it quits. After decades of making millions, you would think a well-seasoned actor would easily transition into retirement. This doesn’t mean they have to disappear altogether! Cameos are not only appropriate, they are encouraged. We love seeing old faces on new television series and box office hits.

But that’s about it. After a certain point an actor’s presence in the media grows redundant. You can’t simply recycle your career for decades. If I’m being honest, for a die-hard fan, watching a celebrity outgrow their fame is like seeing a unicorn for the very first time and then watching it die. Painfully.

Adam, people will still pay to see your movies, but you really have to ask yourself: is that fair? You killed it on SNL, singing songs of Chanukah and talking in that man-child voice that always seems to win the leading lady’s heart by the end of every movie. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know who Miles Davis was, let alone think that peeing your pants was kosher. Your poop and fart jokes used to be just about poops and farts…now-a-days, not so much.

Ever since "Punch Drunk Love" you’ve changed. You come out with these emotionally compromising films that I just don’t know how to feel about. You tricked me into paying $5 for a two day rental of "Click" – I didn’t laugh … I just cried when your son found you dying in the parking lot…wtf?

I feel as though I no longer know how to feel about you, Adam. Remember when you were young enough to say "boobs" without it being on the cusp of sounding inappropriate? Me neither. It’s been a while since I’ve seen one of your trailers and didn’t think to myself … Please, not again, haven’t we had enough? Every time you come out with a movie I’m just so curious. I wonder if it’ll be reminiscent of the prime of your career.

I remember the classics: "Happy Gilmore", "Billy Madison", "The Waterboy", "Big Daddy" and so many more. I think to myself, you, Adam, once epitomized the gold standard of the comedic world. But that’s in the past now.

I get it. You’re a dad now, you’re in your what? Fifties? The days of Bobby Bouchet and Little Nicky are over. But that’s okay. I can still enjoy you On Demand from time to time. I’ll always keep a collection of your films (the good ones, that is) on DVD.  I promise you, I will watch them with my children before they are old enough to understand all of the jokes, just as my parents did with me.

But we have to make a deal at some point. Either you sell your soul to the devil and go back to being the young, reckless Adam we all knew and loved…Or settle down with your rumored $300 million personal fortune. Build a theater in your house and host pseudo premieres if you ever have the urge to make another film. But please, stop acting. No seriously, I love you too much to watch.

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