"Gossip Girl" Final Season Premiere: Sex, Lies and Scandal

Last night’s episode of "Gossip Girl" was bittersweet, as it was the last season premiere the show will ever have. (I can just hear the pitter-patter of loyal gossipers’ tears hitting the floor already.) Thankfully, the beginning of the end did not disappoint. Episode 1, titled “Gone Maybe Gone,” began right where we left off with our favorite Upper East Siders.

Blair and Chuck, arguably the best couple to come out of the show’s six seasons, begin the episode making sweet, sweet love in a hotel room in Monte Carlo. As satisfied as I would have been watching them steam up the screen for the whole episode, they form a pact that they would put their relationship on hold for the summer until they both accomplish certain things they needed to get done without the distraction of their extremely attractive partner.

As for Serena, the last time we saw her she was making wonderful life choices, snorting coke with strangers on a train to Downward-Spiral Land. When Lily and Bart return from renewing their vows, they realize that no one has seen or heard from Serena all summer. You heard me, a whole summer went by and not once did Lily even attempt to contact her own daughter. Lily Van der Woodsen will not receive my vote for Mother of the Year.

Apparently, Serena’s so-called friends could care less about her since none of them have any idea of her whereabouts either. When they realize that they have all been terrible friends, Blair calls Dan for help.

Quick refresher: last spring Blair chose Chuck over Dan, leaving Dan as scorned and moody as a Taylor Swift breakup song. Once his anger subsided and his revenge complex kicked in, he contacted Georgina — whose freakishly pale skin looks like it has not seen the light of day for 5 years — and brought her along to Italy to help him write his exposé on the Upper East Side gang.

In typical Georgina fashion, she takes it upon herself to help Dan find Serena and dig up the dirt on where she has been all summer.

Nate also attempts to make himself useful by blackmailing Gossip Girl in order to gain information on Serena’s whereabouts. The whole group is brought together in Poughkeepsie, New York, as Dan and Georgina arrive at Serena’s supposed location at the same time as Blair, Nate and Chuck.

Blair questions what on earth Serena could be doing there since she’s not “country strong”. Ha, ha, get it? "Country Strong"! The title of the movie Leighton Meester starred in! Oh wait… no one saw that movie? Moving on.

The socialites barge in on some sort of party, only to find Serena — or should I say, Sabrina — has created an entirely new identity and is living happily in the company of her much older-looking boyfriend, Stephen. It does not take long for all hell to break loose; after all, what is an episode of Gossip Girl without utter chaos resulting from misinformation?

Serena’s friends are under the impression that the party is Serena and Stephen’s wedding, so they immediately freak out and try to stop it. Of course, it isn’t until Blair and Georgina expose Serena for her crazy, messed up self that the two grooms of the gay wedding they actually crashed ask what they are doing. Awkward. Luckily for Serena, Stephen still accepts her after she explains that she lied because she wanted to start fresh and to create a positive new life for herself.

To add to the drama, Dan becomes an emotional pre-teen again and questions Blair’s choice of a man who puts a relationship on hold (ie. Chuck), over a man who loved her unconditionally all spring (ie. Dan). At the end of the episode, Blair grills Chuck to see if she truly made the right decision. He assures her that he loves her with all of his heart and they will be together forever—when the time is right.

That’s when he whips out the engagement ring that she wears around her neck and girls everywhere squeal their little hearts out. Team Chuck: 1. Team Dan: 0.

I saved one final piece of the episode for last because it still makes me angry. Ivy is still around and will stop at nothing to take Lily down for being a mega-bitch to her last season. Rufus, who is also mad at Lily, allows Ivy to stay with him and agrees to help her in any way he can.

Here’s where it gets weird. Ivy, who is extremely manipulative, tries to seduce Rufus to make him more vulnerable and it actually works. Let me clarify that for those of you not totally disgusted by this yet. Rufus has sex with a girl so young she could be his daughter. GROSS. Honestly Rufus? How desperate are you? Did I mention that Dan walks in on them and sees his dad getting freaky with a girl his age? Excuse me while I go throw up.

So, what’s next? Will anyone be safe from Dan’s journalistic vendetta? Will Blair start doubting her choice or stay true to Chuck? And will Rufus get a clue and realize that he is not Hugh Hefner and therefore has no excuse for such a wildly inappropriate and disgusting relationship? (I seriously hope so!)

Tune in next Monday at 9 p.m. for Episode 2 on the CW!

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