Top 10 Holidays that should replace Columbus Day

Thank goodness for Columbus Day, am I right? It’s a perfectly timed holiday. We all need a break at this point in the semester, whether it’s from your Organic Chemistry class or your psychotic roommate(s). So thank you Columbus!

But does Columbus really deserve this most excellently placed holiday? I think not. He thought Hispaniola was China, and then he proceeded to annihilate the native Taíno population. Good job, Sir.

Don’t get me wrong; I respect the guy for his initiative. However October 6th-8th deserves a more awesome namesake than Christopher Columbus. I’d like to propose that we re-do Columbus Day. He can have a different day. June is sorely in need of a new holiday. I’m not going to get ambitious and remake the entire American holiday calendar, but here are ten people who are deserving of having a fabulous long weekend named after them. (Disclaimer: Some of these people probably don’t deserve a federal holiday. You be the judge of that.)

 

10. William Rosenburg Day. The founder of Dunkin’ Donuts holds a special place my heart. I silently thank him for being a wonderful human being every time I order my lahge iced regulah. After all, "America runs on Dunkin". We need to pay homage to this king of caffeine who has kept Americans awake for over five decades.

 

9. Jerry York Day. This could be a BC exclusive event. Jerry York Day weekend would be an excuse for every BC student to put on their Sucks to BU tee shirt and parade around the BU campus chanting obscene insults about their hockey team. Then we could go back to Chestnut Hill and throw down with Jerry. Because Jerry York is the man. And he would totally be down for a campus-wide party in his honor.

 

8. Brantford Winstonworth Day. He’s the ultimate fictional lax bro. It would give everyone a chance to dress in their finest pastels, turf dogs, middies, pinnies and snap backs. Then you could carry a spoon named fluffy around with you all weekend, cradling a Natty Light in the pocket. If neither of those sentences sounded like English to you, watch the master at work and accept that this would be a total bro weekend that would put Columbus Day to shame.

 

7. Jason Varitek Day. He’s just about the greatest team player in the history of the Red Sox. Yeah, his batting average slumped towards the end, but Tek was a clutch team player. He’s a living legend here in Boston. And I like the ring of ‘Happy Tek Day’.

 

6. Weird Al Yankovic Day. I just think it would be a pretty good time. Just imagine yourself at a bar. The lights go down, the smoke machines go on. And everyone breaks into a flash mob routine to "White & Nerdy." I can’t explain it.

But it would be awesome and you know it.

 

5. Nicolas Cage Day. Horrible acting needs to be recognized for a change. Nicholas Cage is so versatile. He can be your average historian/treasure hunter, but watch out HIS HEAD JUST MIGHT BURST INTO FLAMES AS HE RIDES OFF INTO THE HORIZON ON A FLYING MOTORCYCLE.

Plus my mom thinks he’s sexy.

 

4. Scott Boilen Day. Aka Mr. Snuggie aka the Einstein of our time. He’s the inventor of the Snuggie. He successfully became a multi-millionaire off of a well-marketed bathrobe that you put on backwards. Touché, Sir. This is what all of you CSOMers should aspire to be someday.

 

3. Stephen Hillenburg Day. He’s only the creator of the GREATEST cartoon show of all times. Sure, you could make an argument for Adventure Time, Recess, Rocket Power, Hey Arnold!, Doug etc., but Spongebob Squarepants will always be first and foremost in my heart.

 

2. Mother Teresa Day. Apparently October 19th is national Mother Teresa Day in Albania. MT deserves some recognition here in the States as well. Plus it would be a little ironic, right? Columbus inadvertently killed millions of Indians, pardon the misnomer, and Mother Teresa directly saved thousands of Indian orphans. It would be a fitting switch, don’t you think?

 

1. Tom Brady Day. The man is a national hero in the eyes of every Masshole. He can stay cool in the pocket under pressure. He can sell Uggs to my Grandma (I swear it’s the only reason she bought them). He’s married to Gisele Bundchen. He’s the pride and joy of New England. There are more framed pictures of Tom Brady in my house than there are of me. It’s a tough job, but hey someone’s got to do it. And Tom is up for the challenge. So, for the love of all that is holy, give this man a holiday.

 

Happy Brady Day 2012!

Comments