The Unsolicited Celebrity Advice Column: Lil Wayne

Dear Lil Wayne,

Have you ever tried to reason with a 4-year-old tantrum-prone child?

If not, let me fill you in.  There is nothing more frustrating.  They talk back, they refuse to listen, and they’re stubborn for the sake of being stubborn.  Luckily, most children outgrow this kind of behavior by the time they can count their age on both hands.

And then there’s you.

First of all, you owe me and 2,541+ other YouTube users 5 minutes and 21 seconds of our lives.  That video was pure unadulterated garbage and I watched the whole goddamn thing.

Secondly, never try to outsmart a lawyer.

Example: when he asked you, “Isn’t it something that you would remember if your album Tha Carter III was the biggest selling album in 2008?”, you seem to have interpreted him to have been saying, “Isn’t it something?” in the “Isn’t it interesting?” way.

Which he wasn’t.  But you spent the next 35 seconds trying to throw it in his face that he had asked “a personal opinion-type question,” finally answering his question with a “Yes.”

Clearly you wanted to be anywhere but that courtroom, so here is your first piece of advice: if you want to expedite a process, don’t waste solid chunks of time dragging out a conversation.

Third of all, you remember having been arrested.  At the very least, you remember being in jail.  Acting like you forget what happened won’t erase it from your prison record.

Finally, what is this “He can’t save you” nonsense?  Are you trying to be tough?  Are you trying to make a threat?  I really just don’t know, which means the lawyer didn’t know either.

In conclusion, you sound like a kid in detention for trying to impress his classmates by putting a whoopee cushion on the teacher’s chair.  Knock it off.

Unsolicitedly yours,